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Why Teachers Drink!

posted May 24, 2010, 1:05 PM by Unknown user






Why Teachers Drink!

posted May 24, 2010, 1:00 PM by Unknown user













Why Teachers Drink!

posted May 24, 2010, 12:55 PM by Unknown user












Think of all the "cool" things you can do when you retire...

posted Mar 23, 2010, 12:29 PM by Unknown user

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target (a supermarket). Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Michael,Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. 
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Michael, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: in the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Things some men would give up for a backwoods elk hunting trip

posted Mar 21, 2010, 11:14 AM by Unknown user

Don, Tom, Richie, Mike and Steve spent months planning the perfect 10 day backwoods elk hunting trip.  Two days before the group is to leave, Richie's  wife, Renee, puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.  Don, Tom, Mike  and Steve are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

        Two days later, they get to elk camp.... only to find Richie sitting there with a tent set up; firewood gathered; and steaks cooking on the fire.  "Damn, Richie, how long have you been here, and how did you talk Renee into letting you come?"

        "Well, I've been here since early this morning.  Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair. Renee came up behind me; put her hands over my eyes; and said, 'guess who?'

        I pulled her hands off....... then noticed she was wearing a brand-new, see-through nightie.   She took my hand and led me to our bedroom.  The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.  On the bed, there were handcuffs and ropes!  She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed.... So I did.  Then she said: 'Do whatever you want!'

        So here I am.

Passport Renewal Application

posted Mar 21, 2010, 11:08 AM by Unknown user

We're told that this was actually taken from a passport application and a member of staff copied it, as it made her laugh all day. 


Dear Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through.
 
How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?
 
How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government?

How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in gootime. Do you people do this by hand?
 
You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election.
 
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die!

 I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! 
I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap.
 
Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are
enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off!

I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at t he Ministry of Defence in London . I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN ...
 
Yours sincerely,
An Irate British Citizen. 

Funny Headlines

posted Mar 21, 2010, 7:55 AM by Ahmed Souaiaia




Interesting Headlines II

posted Mar 21, 2010, 7:54 AM by Ahmed Souaiaia




Interesting Headlines:

posted Mar 21, 2010, 7:36 AM by Ahmed Souaiaia

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